One Bad Picture In an Unflattering Dress
by setepenre-set
Summary: The only thing more exasperating for Roxanne than the ridiculous rumor that she's pregnant is the fact that everyone is arguing over whether her nonexistent baby's father is Metro Man or Megamind. Don't copy to another site.


"Megamind! Megamind—"

"Metro Man—"

"Roxanne—"

"Get out of my face!" Roxanne snapped.

Roxanne, hemmed in with Metro Man and Megamind by the crowd of reporters on the courthouse steps, shoved the nearest camera out of her personal space. This! This was why people hated the media! If these people didn't back off soon, she was going to explode.

And she wasn't the only one—Megamind was practically vibrating with tension; he looked as if Wayne's restraining grip on his arm was the only thing stopping him from trying to strangle someone with the chain of the handcuffs he was wearing. Even Wayne's heroic composure starting to look a little strained around the edges.

"Metro Man—Metro Man!"

"Please, citizens!" Wayne said. "I've got an arrest to complete; step aside and let us get—"

"Roxanne!" Bradley from channel nine gestured to his cameraman to push closer to Roxanne again, "Roxanne can you comment—

"—you shove that camera in my face one more time, Alex," Roxanne growled to Brad's cameraman, "and I'm gonna shove it down your throat."

Alex quailed visibly, but Brad was undeterred, and gestured impatiently for him to bring the camera in again.

"The people have a right to know, Roxy!" Brad said.

"Metro Man!"

"Megamind! Megamind, are you the father?"

"I don't know what you're talking about!" Megamind's voice was an octave higher than normal, the whites showing all around his eyes, "I don't know what you're talking about! Get away from me! Get back; you savages!"

"I'm not pregnant!" Roxanne said.

"Metro Man, are the rumors about the identity of the baby's father straining your relationship with Rox—"

"For god's sake!" Roxanne said, entirely out of patience with this whole ridiculous situation. "You people! One bad picture in an unflattering dress and suddenly everyone thinks—"

"Metro Man—"

"Roxanne—"

"Megamind—"

"Metro Man, are you going to insist on a paternity test?"

"Are you going to get married before the baby is—"

Wayne jumped, the light of panic suddenly in his eyes.

"It's not mine!" he said, "I'm not _marrying_ her! I'm not getting _married!_ "

"What?" Megamind sounded outraged.

"I'm not fucking pregnant!" Roxanne said, raising her voice.

"We're not even dating!" Wayne said, still looking panicked.

"Was Roxanne's cheating the cause of the breakup?"

"How dare you—" Megamind hissed.

"I don't cheat on people," Roxanne snarled at Brad.

"It was an amicable breakup!" Wayne said desperately.

"Amicable—?" Roxanne stared at him.

Oh, come on; Wayne could not be going to pieces on her now! He was a superhero! Where was his spine?!

"Amicable!" Wayne, that absolute _jelly_ of a so-called hero, said, "Mutual agreement! Better off as friends! Better for everyone!"

"No!" Roxanne said, "No; no; no! It—we were never dating in the first damn place, Wayne; don't say—"

"Metro Man, how do you feel about Roxanne leaving you for Megamind?"

"That's not what happened!" Megamind said, looking frantic. "That's not what happened!"

"No hard feelings at all!" Wayne said. "I'm sure they'll be very happy!"

"What?!" Megamind and Roxanne said in shocked unison.

"Always knew those two crazy kids would get together sooner or later!" Wayne said over top of them.

"Al— _wha_ —" Megamind said.

"We're not together!" Roxanne said.

Someone shoved a microphone in her face.

"Roxanne, will Megamind be involved in raising your child?"

 _"I'm not pregnant!"_

"I'm not even genetically similar enough to reproduce with humans!" Megamind wailed. "The chromosomes are wrong! It's physically impossible!"

"ALSO, WE'VE NEVER HAD SEX!"

"Also that!" Megamind said, gesturing wildly at Roxanne with his handcuffed hands. "That! Physically impossible also because of that!"

"Are you sure?" Brad asked. He gestured at Alex to bring the camera in close again.

"Am I sure of what?" Roxanne snapped.

"Genetic manipulation, artificial insemination," Bradley said smoothly, "besides—"

"Besides what?" Roxanne snapped.

"Well," Brad said, "Isn't it true that on regular occasions, you've been unconscious and he's been—"

Megamind jerked in Wayne's grip as if he'd been struck.

Roxanne went very still, perfectly still.

(camera flashbulbs going off like fireworks around them)

"You really," she said, voice cold, "do not want to finish that sentence."

"Oh, come on, Roxy," Brad said jeeringly, "you can't really be that naive—all those times he had you knocked out and alone; you really think he never—"

Roxanne punched him.

Her fist connected with his face with a satisfyingly solid sound. Roxanne barely felt the pain burst in her hand as Brad fell heavily onto the courthouse steps. He lay there, clutching his face and making a kind of wet, bubbling noise.

Megamind made a soft sound, and Roxanne glanced over at him and—

His expression went through her like a bolt of lightning; everything around Roxanne, around the two of them, seemed to go silent and still for that moment as if—

"Oh my!" Wayne said loudly, and the world came rushing back in. "What a regrettable accident!"

The crowd surged around them, snapping pictures, filming, shouting out questions, shouting her name.

"She hit me! She hit me!"

"Fuck you!" Roxanne shouted.

Wayne grabbed her arm.

"It sure is crowded on these steps!" he said in his most Metro Man-ly voice as he retreated backwards up the staircase, Roxanne and Megamind firmly in tow. "So crowded!"

"My nose!"

"I hope I fucking broke it!" Roxanne snarled, twisting in Wayne's grip. "I hope I knocked out your goddamn teeth!"

"—very crowded," Wayne said. "—so easy to bump into each other. Accidentally. Come on Roxy, I think he's had enough—"

"Megamind! Megamind, what do you—"

"Roxanne! Roxanne, do you—"

"Metro Man—"

Wayne's back hit the courthouse doors. The crowd drew in even closer, their voices loud and demanding, cameras flashing, microphones pushing forward. Roxanne stopped fighting against Wayne's grip and glared at them all.

Megamind made a quiet sound.

Roxanne glanced past Wayne to look at him. Megamind was staring at her, still, with that same expression of—worshipful shock.

"You—you hit him—" he said.

"He shouldn't have fucking said that about you," Roxanne fiercely, without thinking.

Megamind made a soft, choked sound. He looked—

—he looked—

"Wow!" Wayne said loudly.

Roxanne jumped, tearing her eyes away from Megamind to look at Wayne.

Who was glancing between her and Megamind with an expression of strangely calculating glee; why was he—

"Wow!" Wayne said again, and changed his grip on Roxanne and Megamind, throwing his arms over both of their shoulders. "This has been a real full day for all of us, folks!"

He tightened his grip on Megamind and Roxanne's shoulders and playfully shook the two of them.

"You guys," he said, beaming at the two of them. "Just the best."

He turned his smile on the crowd.

"Well, I'm sure we're all happy to hear—" Wayne said loudly, "—I'm sure we're all _happy_ to _hear_ that my little buddy here will be retiring from villainy to focus on his relationship with Roxanne and his new responsibilities!"

"What—" Roxanne started to say.

"What—" Megamind began.

"So excited!" Wayne said, and clamped his hands over both of their mouths. "Beautiful couple! So happy for them!"

He gave the crowd his most blindingly heroic smile.

And then he dragged Roxanne and Megamind into the courthouse.

"How exactly," Roxanne said, later, the three of them sitting together in her living room while Minion made pancakes in the kitchen, "is Megamind giving up villainy to focus on our nonexistent child going to work?"

"I didn't say 'responsibilities as a father'," Wayne said, leaning back in her armchair smugly, "I said 'relationship with Roxanne and new responsibilities'. How do you feel about trying superhero-ing for a change, buddy? That should cover the new responsibilities bit nicely! Don't you think?"

"…did you fake a relationship between me and Megamind just so you could quit your job?" Roxanne asked.

Wayne rolled his eyes.

"Please, Roxy," he said, "like I _faked_ anything."

"I—"

"—but Ro—Miss Ritchi and I," Megamind said faintly, "we—we aren't…"

Wayne snorted.

"Yeah, okay, buddy, because she totally didn't punch that guy to defend your honor," he said. "And you totally didn't swoon. Jeez, you two; I swear."

Megamind choked and went a color that was nearer to fuchsia than blue and became suddenly and extremely interested in the tabletop.

"—Wayne," Roxanne said, her eyes fixed on Megamind, watching the blush spread over the top of his head.

"Roxy?"

"Go help Minion with the pancakes."

Wayne gave her a particularly smug grin.

"Yeah, okay, Roxy," he said.

He was even more insufferably smug when, ten minutes later, he and Minion came into the dining room with the pancakes and interrupted Roxanne and Megamind in a kiss.


End file.
